magicstarflower

Thu, 23 Feb 2006 22:55:17 GMT

just that one thing, one thing that was what you THOUGHT and entirely convinced yourself was what you wanted, what you needed. how can i feel so releived to be rid of something i was so sure of. its almost as if after the fact, you realize what it was you were taking in all that time, how that well was using all its water, and being provided with no more. its devoting so much of yourself into something that was never there to begin with.. its a hard thing to conclude, becasue it says something about your person. you arnt as real as you think you are. and that scares me.. i dont kno what i can be sure of. im just as fickle as everyone ive condemned for it..

CRACK

Wed, 04 Jan 2006 23:38:39 GMT

ive lost everything in the last 60 seconds, and im still spinning. its like the hole that was already there, was just made a hell of alot bigger. i wonder if soon enouph it will grow big enouph to consumne me entirely. it just seems like noone gives a shit about anyone or anything today. it was never worth it to me to loose a part of myself, ive scattered myself through all the people i care about and slowly there will hardly be anything left. one thing for another, perpetual change, but is it always good?
i wish i could say you meant nothing. but you didnt.
ive found a body. but its just so hard to feel sure, about anything. people say things they dont mean, and say they dont mean things they say when they do, and in the end, its all just to hide ourselves. we were never meant to be exposed.
and if even i could be sure of what i was thinking, saying, what i meant, dont mean, maybee i would come a little closer to the truth.
right now, im just happy to have a boy. one thats mine to hold and have. but i still dont think about it the way i should, and it just doent feel right soemtimes. i judge the way people sleep, i really think it means soemthing. back to back is never as close.

Sat, 08 Oct 2005 13:35:21 GMT

one incident in the past little while has becomne something ive smowhat repressed and cant help thinking has ruined the way alot of things were. i did something i shouldnt have with someone i really shouldnt have and now i dont know if i can help what ive chaged in doing it. ive developed some feelings, which ive been trying to deny, even to myself a little, becasue im not even sure that theese feelings are pure, i feel they have developed from a craving for something i cant find and have "settled" on soemthing that could be the worst thing of all to be left standing on. everythign seemes to be linked around another knot i cant untie right now, and i cant go through more than 6 inches without getting myself all tied up again. i dont like the feeling of being binded to one thing or one place and right now at least i dotn feel like that, i wouldnt even know who or what i could attach my self too. but maybee i could at least have a little security once i find a place to hide, someone to hold me. im drowning in feeling that ill always be alone, not good enouph to belong to anyone. i fuck up everyhting, and right noe i may have just fucked up something big, something i really care aboput and dont know what to say. i wish it were easier for the right words to come out soemtimes becasue if i could let this out i might not be all so cynical about the situation. everyhting piles up and it just seems to get harder. getting from point a to b just seems useless, especially when u dont kno where ur standing from the start.

Tue, 04 Oct 2005 11:10:27 GMT

have u ever jus felt like everything that used to matter doesnt anymore. that everone u wanted to be close to jus kind of faded away, yet still were there. nothing ever stays the same and life and friends are fikle and so is the mind. im slipping away from my own becasue i dont know who or what i am anymore. im so lost and and i cant find anyone to hug anymore. can u be alone and yet surrounded by people? can feelings, however striong they may be, just disapear? i want something to make me feel like SOMETHING again. i want to do some things so bad and yet other peoples opinions are holding me back; but theese people, who are they?
do they kno?
i dont understand people, i dont even understand myself.
i get the worst feelings... i hear people shouting and i cant stop it.
you cant stop anything, and u cant make yourself something your not.
so how am i stuck?
please just find me the way to nowhere becasue so far im taking the hardest route, and once i get to nowhere, im hoping my brain will stop.

blabbing

Fri, 22 Jul 2005 22:20:00 GMT

im 3/4 done my summershitschool, nad its 4:00pm friday im drunk and stoned, and contemplating the nothingness my life seems to revolve entirely around. TO complete the grand cycle of fuck my life seems to be spiraling into theres always seems to be that big eerie face grinnig above me telling me its going to get me. plus im gonna end up in jail soon. sense paranoia? all i want right now is to find the other half of my glass, mb myself in the prosses, mb a little dose of reality on the way wouldnt hurt. Is it a bad thing when ur not happy with or without, if your just not sure what you want and who you are? if the box your life seems to be in is just too small to fit eberythign you have, do you geta new box, or get rid of the contents?

a late night apiphany

Mon, 21 Mar 2005 08:07:50 GMT

Lately Ive been realizing actually how much my life has changed. Ive heard from a couple people, close friends, and just fuckers who pretend they know me how much I'VE changed, but really I dont think Ive changed at all, and I think in this issue my opinion is more important than yours, so:P but i can admit, with a little exaustion, that my lifestyle has changed. There are way too many things to worry about now, everyone has problems, but may it be better or worse this is were I am. I can even pin point, when the change started in my journal entries... the one after Christmas break when I first met jimmi what i didnt realize about my dive right back in was that i dove into different water this time, out of that pure clean lake. So much has changed, that most of you probablly wouldnt know or understand...I feel like my head never stops theres always somehting to think about or worry about or do its draining sometimes, when your not used to it. Like dealing blow, I think dealing on its own can be addicting even if you stay clean, especially if you stay clean, especially if your a lazy bastard that never wants to work, and you feel how it feels to make 900$ a day doing close to nothing, but it comes with a huge change of lifestyle, that I hope smacks reality into someone... even that rant there shows somehting. Me from gr 10, you ever picture me with fucking coke dealers? well i didnt. and I dont really know if thats a picture i want a part of. sometimes I wish life were easy, but then i relaized then, thered be no drugs.

ramble on

Wed, 02 Mar 2005 04:19:59 GMT

as in times when you lisen to large amounts of bob marley and smoke large amounts or herbs, rantings are required. If it isnt just pms i think another undetermined source has decided to fuck with my moods, if you havnt noticed ive crowned myslef the new princess of mood swings, ruled by my sister the queen. holy crap. although the root is still buried in this quest im pretty sure there a big mother fucking branch with skyler carved deep into it. another one is the grad situation, apparently to get into the limmo, you have to actually attend grad, and to attend grad i need to graduate, which if i go to my classes wont be a problem, which brings up another problem. also i still need to get sized for my grad dress, tomorow if i go which i think i should becasue that way if i do show up and walk that stage in all its overrated glory at least i wont fall on my face. the whole hpye over grad i just dont get, but i do want to go in the limmo, and not go to grad with skyler. ha. fuck him and his white suit. i hope heathers ok too, i dont know what id do without her. get my work done hahahaha.... which would be lame. i saw adam, and i dont want to talk about him, for once. its funny becasue right now i could write a fucking novel about skyler maybee im finally getting over adam. good. its about fucking time. i think the whole situation just pisses me off too damn much to think about nemore, i dont want to talk about it and i dont want to think about it. end of story. but you never know in three years...
i started to see our group as characters from that 70's show... jimmi=eric scrony nerdy white boy greg=kelso hot chauchy dumbass who gets ragged on constantly skyler=hyde hot stoner with an abundance of weed. but theres a debate me and heather cant decide whod be jackie and whod be donna, we compromised were a bit of both, and joys our fez. i cant beleive i hang out with who i do now, and that i like a gangster, but thats just the way it worked out i geuss. i wish all the nerds on livejournal hung with me still, or rather that i hung with you still. i blame it all on my "addictive personality" theres a whole book in the library on it. apparently its not a heathly way to live, all i have to say is fuck health who needs you, all i need is my smokes, weed, a nice sunny day and some bob marley.

Sun, 30 Jan 2005 12:03:19 GMT

my testimony to hatred of computers has been confirmed in its complete fuck-retard state of not allowing me to access my internet at the prior time. apparently my internet connection seems to be "down" and yet, somehow i am still able to download music. bitchass technolodgey.
anyway im at jimmis at the moment, being the complete fifth wheel... heh why is no one awake at 4 in the morning?
not even skyler.
i hate everyhting.
and more than likely you.
no i am not sick.
or in a bad mood.
i had a dream about adam last night, i cant fucking beleive it. youd think, with all this shit right now it wouldnt be adam in my dreams. i hate myself.
i love pink floyd, man without pink floyd.
anyway, school resumes tuesday, a day im not looking so forward too, all i have to say is thank god for ally and saying shes gonna drive me anywere i want tomrow... including the southside...

Wed, 29 Dec 2004 06:15:07 GMT

Happiness to me is a warm Gun, or at least when Oma's here, the mere thought of never seeing her again brightens my whole day, as bad as it sounds. Christmas was as usuall, got to see my spoiled cousins open a billion presents theyll never use or give two shits about, got to hear omas manipulative whining during the entire joyous "holliday", which I put in Brackets becasue with her here, it is more like being in a boot camp 24 hrs a day..." Lindsay Lohan?..who is she, she is definatly not setting a good exaple for children.. look at that clevage, my god, melissa I hope you dont dress like that... Rupert, you would never let her leave the house looking like that would you?blah blah blah Rupert dont you care about her future, dont you care if she dresses like a slut? Rupert Rupert... are you ignoreing me.. fine then. you dont want to lisen we are not whatching this awfull movie. I cant beleive the world today." So the tv goes off and we are forced to play cards with oma becasue she wants too. the huige fiasco of sleeping arrangement becasue " garitt and melissa cant sleep in the same room ( even if its two completelty seperate beds)... its wrong, i dont care if they did it every year their too old garitt must sleep on the floOr i will not stay in this house with them in the same room. ( garitt in the background, amda and Krysra anre more likely, she went to an all girls school)" if only she knew hahaha. But before I end up rambling an entire page of oma bashing, that noone wants to read, I think ill change the subject. my attempt to cut down on certain substances was quite successfull untill about the friday before Christmas hollidays, when I first talked to Jimmy, at which piont I dove headfirst right back in. i broke into my mothers house friday night to have a "party", set off the alarm, had the cops phoneing, my mom phoning... "im sorry mom i just.. needed to get away from oma...oh, do you want me to come pick you up?.. nono, I think I just want to be alone tonight (people laughing in the backround) are you sure your ok? yes mom im fine... talk to you tomrow". tried to hot box her sauna, untill we thought that it may be gas powered, drank half her alcohol which she stll hasnt noticed and had an all around good night. Went to Andrews party with Jimmy the day after: tip, chugging=JD= not good idea. Sooo drunk, Jimmy "acidentally" told andrews mom about some of his sexual activities, and got his ass jumped by 4 guys all twice his size, regardless of the fact he's not much over 100 pounds. Stayed at Jimmys for a couple days just drinking and blazing, and more drinking and blazing. then went home, got lectured by oma some more, went to jimmys again, phoned ally at 2am " ally were going to jimmys... what?.. fine alright wheere does he live.. um west ed? ok be there soon" get his actuall adress " melissa this is nowhere near west ed... you drink too much". get to his house after getting lost and having to have his rescue us... go to andrews get sooooo baked, me and jimmy just sat there passing back and forth "hey you guys are hogging the joint.. hey no were not your just stoned" playing a little team strip ass hole, losing horribly, and relaising now that Jimmy may have been using me (in cards). At first three of us, Andrew, Jimmy, me all teamed up against Ally... geuss who still fucking wins? thats right. get home 630am .. wake up the next day at noon... oma not comprehending how I can sleep so long. Now i have a whole shit load of weed i need to sell, and if only i had some at sunshine when the guy on the chairlift wanted to buy. and i owe jimmy 10 bucks which i better give to him before Morgan comes after me and makes me call him "daddy".

Thu, 16 Sep 2004 02:37:04 GMT

I have just decided reeeally hot baths are not a good thing. I Think i just took the HOTTEST (non-sexual) bath of my life... I Was lying in the Water and I could feel my Heart beating then it started getting hard to breathe. So I got out. Theeeen I got reeeally dizzy and passed out on the Floor for ten minutes when I woke up I could hardly stand. The moral of this Story?
Hot Baths are BAD.

fucking fucktards

Tue, 14 Sep 2004 23:24:29 GMT

So, here's an overveiw of the last couple days... Spent 4 days of the "BEST WEEKEND EVER!!!" with Brittany in Calgary, became increasingly bitter towards the end of the trip due to a lack of Adam. Probablly spent too much time doing destructive things to brittanys tounge ring and not enouph at the horse show where we were actually supposed to be. Which didn't bug me in the least. Spent most of the bus ride thinking about how I had school the next day and how much I didnt want to go. At least i didnt have to sit beside a crazy man who thinks he's so "intellegent". ha. got to school monday slept completely through social only to go up to the dumbass teacher at the end of class who said: "you look tired", damn, not anymore just slept throught your whole fucking class and you didnt seem to notice. Went to a mindnumbing 4 hours of viola which suprisingly wasnt half as horrible as i thought it would be, exept for the fact that whats supposedly "reveiw" for the class , iv'e never done. Oh well, Im a genious, someday I will concour the world but noone will have suspected a fucktard like me. It's all part of my brilliant plan... hehehe AAAnyway, back to my overview, Wanna hear somthing funny? Im section leader In my orchestra HA! fuck whatch us crash and burn. Shoulda Auditioned for the other orch. Wouln't have had to be Section Leader. oh well another step in my plan to world domination. Went to school tuesday got into social class determined to be the good, modle student i know is somewhere inside me, when I get called to the front... "did you drop this class?" I stood there "....ummmm not that I was aware of" oooh fuck. Go to see the Counslor, and apparently my attendance was not up to par and they took me out of social. Now I'm fucking stuck talking Fucking Calm by correspondence.
I think God really does spite me.

im going insane

Thu, 09 Sep 2004 00:38:09 GMT

I think the trill of all this is finally wearing off. It seems like there used to be so much More, or maybee I just Imagined Everything, maybee I was so caught up that my Mind started Fucking around with me. But it couldnt have all been a Dream. Theres still somthing there... I think, or maybee im just Fucking insane, sometimes i wonder...

Fri, 20 Aug 2004 06:06:14 GMT

so yesterday got my hair cut. i still think its kinda looks like a mullet, but in a good way. if there is such a thing as a good mullet. then i got myslef allll ready to go to rocky horror... which meant i put on some make up. no big deal? it was the MOST make up ive worn in proablly a year. it was so damn sexy, i had bringht green-turquise sparkly eyes. you just can't get any hotter than that. and then we got to the fringe only to find out after being stalked by a creepy man who wanted us to go see his play... that the show was sold out. and then i promised him i would so he kept bugging us. it was a play called barnaby, and if i would have had 8$ to blow i would have seen it but i had to save it for rocky so, it was a no go. then we decide we both gt alll ready for this we wanted to do SOMTHING, so we snuck into my house got some stuff, and drove to the park. neway, so now im seeing rocky tomrow. better not be sold out.

Thu, 29 Jul 2004 07:41:58 GMT

I Think my Sleep situation is getting a little out of control, fuck, I’m so fucking bored and unable to sleep that I’m actually posting on here. Yesterday, or the day before… I went to klondike days, got some free Peanut Butter which contains: “LOT’S OF PEANUTS”. Went on some rides trying to exclude ones spinning in circular motions, due to my Pussy Ass stomach. There where some insanely strong people doing the “cirque de Amis” which is like Circe du Soleil, if you know what that is… I had no clue. Went back to whyn’s house had ourselves a bottles of cough surup and tripped mildly for a while except whyn, who was, just a LITTLE over her tolerance level should we say? .. NAH! That’s crazy. She was fiiine. Not sure how much I slept.. . felt fine when I got up so must have slept…got home and now ive bin doing nothing for a while… if I didn’t feel quite as shitty I’d be going for my walk right about now. But, hey life’s a bitch, right? See how long my lame ass can stay up tonight. Haven’t gone to bed before 4:00am in almost a month… or well since summer. I’ll be Fucked for school next year like this. Fucked.

Mon, 26 Jul 2004 09:11:23 GMT

So after many findings on the subject of the "Contraversial and Talented new artist, Avril Lavigne" I have concluded that she is the epitamy of what this generation is. fuck. i mean she is forced on us as the image of what "controversialand different" is. These Headlines always seem to be followed closely by Captions Stating: :Mouths off about on hooking up, breaking up, and sooo much more" How much more Controversialcan you get than Hooking up, and breaking up, fuck i cant believe people actually buy her. All she is is a stupid Fucking image being Carved into our Brains. Fuck. this is what we are being bought with. It's just hard to believe we gave in so quickly.

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 07:09:26 GMT

OMG OMG!!! I JUST DOWNLOADED THE BEST MATRIX SCREENSAVER EVER!!! IT MAKES ME SO HAPPY

please continue,

Mon, 28 Jun 2004 06:36:47 GMT

man, everything's just so fucked. i cant think anymore... iv'e concluded that to being the reason i can't fucking talk... im not thinking anyhting im just soo fucking stupid. awkward, everyhtings just so awkward .. (and yes thats how you spell it, i checked) well that was short, but it seems to sum up everything i want to say. i hate people who can think... seriously.. you can deny it but smarter people are just more interesting becasue they can talk
becasue they think.
fuckheads

Sat, 15 May 2004 22:57:29 GMT

i think this live journal thing is evil. i hate technolodgy.

Wed, 28 Apr 2004 04:35:16 GMT

HHHHHHHHHAAAAAAAPPPPPPYYYYYYY BBBBBBBBIIIIIIIRRRRRRTTHHHHHHHHHHHHDDDDDDDDDDDDAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYY BRITANY!!!!!!
Well, happy birthday tomrow but it makes no difference, since im writing now and might not tomrow ill say it now.
i cleaned my room its amazing i can see the floor!
bbq was this weekend, good times. we stole a flag from rundle park golf course... hehehe
and had drunken stoned easter egg hunt and got all prikly hahaha
nothin else to say i can think of right now....
night

Fri, 23 Apr 2004 02:17:43 GMT

I broke down in Viola Today. now i'm happy Again , thanks to my friend.
I cant handle this. I cant go to Kiwanis.
I am a retard and I cant do it. Julie felt sorry for me in viola and went to kingsway to buy me cookies. that cheered me up, cookies are another one of thoose happy foods (happy foods: foods you cant be unhappy eating ex. cotton candy, chocolate milk, marshmellows ect.) Anwyay, I hear someone upstairs.... so.... ill be back 1 sec...k its alllllll good.
Love you forever and forever
Love you with all my heart
Love you whenever we're together
Love you when w're appart

Thu, 22 Apr 2004 03:47:57 GMT

i hope all had a pleasant 420, i did.
we r planning a road trip this summer. either california or florida, which would u advise? this is the last summer of high school. it has to be great. bbq/ bush party this weekend it will be beautiful and all will have fun.
happy birthday alexs' mom!

Fri, 16 Apr 2004 04:42:25 GMT

Everyone hates. And the World hates us all.
It should, we are all just assholes taking up space...
ALL MEN ARE BORN EVIL.
WE ARE PUT ON THIS EARTH,AND
WHAT DO WE DO?
FUCK EVERYTHING.

Tue, 13 Apr 2004 23:10:40 GMT

hello it is me.
i have created a journal to pass my free time not spent in my garage...
hello brittney and brittany (hahaha spelled it good that time) and alex....now you can read about my life... even if it bores the shit outa you.
i know you love me despite brittney sayin it was only the weed, which is total BS anyhow. if only she hung, if only she knew....

oh well, fine.
i dont have much to say in the matter.
hang with us sometime brittney i still love you, you were the first i hung with in that crew...

oh well, happy days are still to come, you wait.
like tomrow yay for brittany and alex to keep me sane!!!